Damn Fine Vidya Games: LoZ: Twilight Princess

**Damn Fine Vidya Games is written by my other half, Mr. Coffee, about his love for retro video games.**
 
Hello nerd boys and girls,

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess for the Nintendo GameCube is the best Zelda game.  (I’m sure I’ll be receiving some hate for that statement.)  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of all things Zelda, but this game still stands out as the best.  Let me tell my feelings and then you can agree or disagree or agree to disagree.

Twilight Princess was released for GameCube in 2006 after being purposely delayed a year so that it could be released for the Wii at the same time.  This was the last Nintendo game released for the GameCube and didn’t get much press or play, especially since the Wii version was touting its fancy new motion controls.  I’ve played both versions and let me tell you... motion controls are dumb.  Plus, the Wii version makes Link right handed which is wrong according to every other Zelda game ever.

 So, there I was, a young lad of 21, sitting down to play what I expected to be a slightly more advanced version, based solely on the grown up picture of Link on the cover and the"T for Teen" rating, of previous Zelda games.  After a few quick cut scenes and a useful tutorial, I was proven wrong, so very wrong.  Suddenly, incredibly I was a werewolf  tasked with taking down The King of Twilight and, of course, rescuing Zelda under the guidance of a ballsy little imp named Midna.

The game play is more complex than most Zelda games due to the open 3D world environment and plenty of sub-quests to keep you busy.  I do not recommend this game for the casual gamer.  The story is dark, sad, and emotionally painful.   The music is near perfect and adds to the somber tone of the entire game.  If you are looking for a happy or Zelda game, look elsewhere.  (Try Wind Waker!)

Twilight Princess will always hold a special place in my heart.  For weeks on end, I put the game in my GameCube, closed that purple lid, and didn’t stop playing except to eat, shower, and work.  I actually quit smoking while I played this game, not for health reasons, but because my smoke breaks were breaking up my game play and mood.
Find a copy of the GameCube version, and then spend a little quality time with your GameCube (or Wii because backwards compatible, dawg) and plug it in for this Zelda essential that deserves your love and attention.

Damn Fine Vidya Games: Kirby's Adventure

**Damn Fine Vidya Games is written by my other half, Mr. Coffee, about his love for retro video games.**
 
Hello nerd boys and girls,

A close friend (who I used to respect) told me he had never played a Kirby game.  In fact he admitted that he only knew Kirby from the ever popular Smash Bros’ series to which I replied "BALLS" and stormed off to play one of my favorite games of all time: Kirby’s Adventure for the NES.
Of course I returned to lend my friend every Kirby game I owned so that he might educate himself.

Kirby made his debut in 1992 on the Game Boy.  My parents denied me one of those fancy portable gaming devices so I didn’t formally meet Kirby until 1993 on the NES.  Being the cute little pink ball of joy that Kirby is, the game may have been originally bought for my sister.  I’m pretty sure I stepped in when she couldn’t get past the first boss and just never gave the controller back. 

In case you don't know Kirby, he is rotund floating pink warrior of Dream Land who inhales his enemies and then uses their powers against them.  In Kirby's Adventure, Kirby awakens to find that King Dedede has stolen the Star Rod and all of the dreams of the people of Dream Land!  Our cotton candy-colored hero takes it upon himself to risk life and limb to retrieve the Star Rod and return all of those purloined dreams. 
   
The game play is a masterpiece of the time.  The visual side-scroller easily has the best graphics of any NES game and the music suits the dreamlike state of the game perfectly.  Kirby can do it all: run, jump, attack, and, of course, consume his enemies and, in turn, their powers.  The first time I made Kirby eat the little fire enemies and then spit fire I almost cried with joy.  Compared to Mario’s limited jumping action, Kirby was light years ahead of other games.
Side note:  This was the first game to have one of the best villains in the Nintendo universe, Meta Knight! He’s the most adorable flame sword wielding badass ever.

Kirby’s Adventure can be found on the Game Boy Advance, the Wii's virtual console, Nintendo DS, the Wii U virtual console, and, if you want to splurge, you can find a copy of the 20th anniversary Kirby’s Dream Collection for the Wii. 

If you have never played a Kirby game, this is the one for you.  Go play it right meow!

Damn Fine Vidya Games: Halo: Combat Evolved

Hello nerd boys and girls,

I'm willing to bet that everyone who has played video games in the last 15 years has heard of the Halo series.  I’m also willing to bet that a significant portion of gamers haven’t played the original Halo game: Combat Evolved.  Halo is the defining game of the Xbox generation of games and deserves a large place in video game history.

First and foremost: I do not play many first person shooter (FPS) games.  I do not play Call of Duty, or Half-Life, or Battlefield.  I’m sure those are probably good games (they are certainly popular), but I don't generally like that style of gaming with the one large exception being Halo.
“But why?”
“Isn’t Halo just another FPS?”
No way!

Halo was, in my opinion, a revolutionary game and it all started with Combat Evolved.  Initially, the multiplayer is what drew me in.  A friend called “Come over and play Halo.  We’ll link up systems”.  I was skeptical and declined but, after weeks of pestering, I gave into my friends and joined them for a Halo LAN party.  Halo: CE was released before Xbox Live existed, so if you wanted more than four players, LAN parties became life.  Nothing quite like the thrill of yelling “go fuck yourself” across a room as you stuck a grenade to someone’s face. 

Halo: Combat Evolved was released for the original Xbox in 2001 as a launch title which meant everyone owned it.  The story revolves around Master Chief (you) and your artificial intelligence guide (Cortana) responding to an attack by the Covenant who are a species of alien bound together by their religion.  During a battle with the Covenant your ship is damaged and you crash land on Halo.  The rest of the game is spent learning what exactly Halo is while trying to survive an onslaught of aliens.  Halo is so well written and so compelling that the player ends up feeling like a large part of the game and story.  In fact, Halo players have felt such a deep connection to Master Chief and Cortana that the series has spawned multiple games, a book series, a comic series, a web series, and a full length movie. 

Since it’s inception Halo: CE has been repackaged twice, once as a high-def anniversary remake for the Xbox 360 and as part of the Master Chief Collection for the Xbox One.  I recommend picking up the anniversary edition (still easy to find) and playing through the game twice.  This edition allows the player to seamlessly change between the HD and original versions.  My suggestion is to first play through the original on "easy" and then play the HD version on whatever difficulty you like.  If you like FPS games, you'll be a natural.  If you’re like me, and FPS games aren't your favorite,  I implore you to try Halo: Combat Evolved on for size.  It’s a great game and should be played at least once by casual and pro gamers alike.

Damn Fine Vidya Games: Conker's Bad Fur Day

**Damn Fine Vidya Games is written by my other half, Mr. Coffee, about his love for retro video games.**

Hello nerd boys and girls,

This week I’m reviewing Conker’s Bad Fur Day.

Some history:  Conker made his debut in the 2001 N64 game: Conker’s Bad Fur Day.  I first experienced Conker that same year for approximately ten minutes.  I was at a friend’s house when he stuck a copy of his dad’s game into the console.  After a couple of long cut scenes and a little gameplay, his dad came in, saw what we were playing,  and took the game away. The few minutes of play left some indelible images (Berri the bunny doing some suggestive aerobics.  The tiny Grim Reaper.) on my teenaged brain.   Conker was originally developed as a kids game called Conker’s Quest.  Due to criticism of the game's "cutesy" theme, the team at Rare decided to take the game in a more mature sex, drugs, and booze direction.  I got to play the full game a few years later on an emulator and loved every second. 

The game centers itself around Conker, a drunken squirrel who just wants to get home to Berri (his hot bunny girlfriend) after a long night of drinking.  Too bad for Conker that the ruler of the land, King Panther, has decided he wants a red squirrel to replace one of the legs on his table.  Hilarity ensues as Conker evades King Panther’s minions, faces a pile of opera-singing poop, and tries to find his way to Berri.  Conker's journey is a miraculous piece of video gaming history that deserves to be replayed over and over.

This is not an easy game, and I don’t recommend it for beginners.  The control scheme mirrors Mario 64.  If you've practiced with the N64’s control stick in open world games, it should be fairly easy.  I invited a friend over to play and he spent a lot of time getting used to the controls and complained that they were too blocky compared to current consoles.  Rare planned a sequel to Bad Fur Day called Conker’s Other Bad Day, but, due to the commercial failure of the original game, it never happened.  Microsoft did pump out a quick remake called Conker: Live and Reloaded, but it didn’t play well because it failed to recreate the amount of exact detail Rare originally spent creating the original N64 game.

My old friend Conker was recently in the news because Microsoft decided to announce the cocktease that was a Conker reboot.  Unfortunately for those that love our little drunken squirrel friend, the company Microsoft approached with the idea turned it down.  Will Conker ever get to put his squirrel nuts in Berri’s carrot hole?  We may never know.  (Hopefully we’ll still get to see the Perfect Dark and Banjo reboot games we’ve been promised.)  In the meantime go find a way to play Conker’s Bad Fur Day!