Damn Fine Vidya Games: LoZ: Twilight Princess

**Damn Fine Vidya Games is written by my other half, Mr. Coffee, about his love for retro video games.**
 
Hello nerd boys and girls,

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess for the Nintendo GameCube is the best Zelda game.  (I’m sure I’ll be receiving some hate for that statement.)  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of all things Zelda, but this game still stands out as the best.  Let me tell my feelings and then you can agree or disagree or agree to disagree.

Twilight Princess was released for GameCube in 2006 after being purposely delayed a year so that it could be released for the Wii at the same time.  This was the last Nintendo game released for the GameCube and didn’t get much press or play, especially since the Wii version was touting its fancy new motion controls.  I’ve played both versions and let me tell you... motion controls are dumb.  Plus, the Wii version makes Link right handed which is wrong according to every other Zelda game ever.

 So, there I was, a young lad of 21, sitting down to play what I expected to be a slightly more advanced version, based solely on the grown up picture of Link on the cover and the"T for Teen" rating, of previous Zelda games.  After a few quick cut scenes and a useful tutorial, I was proven wrong, so very wrong.  Suddenly, incredibly I was a werewolf  tasked with taking down The King of Twilight and, of course, rescuing Zelda under the guidance of a ballsy little imp named Midna.

The game play is more complex than most Zelda games due to the open 3D world environment and plenty of sub-quests to keep you busy.  I do not recommend this game for the casual gamer.  The story is dark, sad, and emotionally painful.   The music is near perfect and adds to the somber tone of the entire game.  If you are looking for a happy or Zelda game, look elsewhere.  (Try Wind Waker!)

Twilight Princess will always hold a special place in my heart.  For weeks on end, I put the game in my GameCube, closed that purple lid, and didn’t stop playing except to eat, shower, and work.  I actually quit smoking while I played this game, not for health reasons, but because my smoke breaks were breaking up my game play and mood.
Find a copy of the GameCube version, and then spend a little quality time with your GameCube (or Wii because backwards compatible, dawg) and plug it in for this Zelda essential that deserves your love and attention.

Freaky Friday: Crazy Love

Normally I choose to watch documentaries because I'm familiar with the story/case/people involved.  Crazy Love, however, was an exception to the rule.  Normally I would be so tempted to Google the people named in the summary description but, this time, I'm so glad I didn't.  A documentary with a plot twist?  Hells yeah!
Crazy Love starts off detailing the backgrounds of Burt Pugach  and Linda Riss.  Their story is told through the words of Burt and Linda (along with their friends and family) and, my personal favorite, pictures.  They were both stylish, living their adult lives in the New York City of the 1950s.  Burt was a lawyer and family man and Linda (10 years his junior) was a swinging single gal looking to settle down with Mr. Right.

You so crazy.  I wanna have yo babies.

Unfortunately for Linda, she met Burt Pugach instead.  After a whirlwind courtship, gifts, and vacations, she discovered Burt was a married man and broke off their relationship.  Having attended the school of "If I can't have you, no one can have you", Burt reacted to getting dumped by hiring a local thug to throw lye in Linda's face, blinding and permanently disfiguring her.
I'll leave you at the trial coverage because that is where the documentary goes headlong into WTF territory, and I don't want to spoil it.
Having been a fan of true crime since I was a wee morbid teen, this doc managed to shock my senses that I had thought were just as jaded as the rest of me.  Just when I think I've seen all the messed up things I can handle, Crazy Love came along and showed me the error of my ways.  That's why I chose to give it a Freaky Friday seal of approval.

 

Happy Home Designer: Add it to your Christmas list

If you know only one thing about me, know this:
I love Animal Crossing.  If Animal Crossing was a religion, I would never leave the church. 
Animal Crossing: Wild World for the Nintendo DS was the game that really ushered me into the world of gaming.  I've sung its praises before so I won't wax poetic in this post.  I'll just say this "I love Animal Crossing 5 eva!" (Cuz that's more than 4 eva.)
You can imagine my complete and absolute delight when I heard the news that an Animal Crossing spin-off game was making its way to American soil and it was called Happy Home Designer and it was the most adorable thing I'd ever laid eyes on.

Let's get to the nuts and bolts of the game:

• It wouldn't be an Animal Crossing game if you didn't work for that miserly trash panda Tom Nook.   Specifically, you are a designer at Nook's Homes which is a delightful little home renovation business introduced in AC: New Leaf.  Your first client comes in willingly but, after that, you're sent out to the street to drum up business.  The more houses you design, the more furniture, wallpaper, flooring, etc. becomes available to you.  Unlike the previous AC games, you design the inside and outside of your clients' homes based on the theme they request.  

• First things first, I'm the realest you choose the location from a map of the town.  (Incidentally, you can build multiple houses on the same site.  So the perfect site for one house will still be there when another client comes along.)  There are desert plots, beachfront property, mountain top vistas.  You can then tap the site to change the season.  You choose from several styles and sizes of houses, you can change the roofing, the siding, the style of door and fence.  You can add trees, shrubbery, and outdoor furniture like picnic tables, birdbaths, various pieces of sports equipment.  So much stuff.  (The ability to customize your yard is something that is sorely lacking in the AC games.)  You can get creative by using typical indoor decor such as lamps and rugs to customize your clients' outdoor living space.  

• And decorating inside the house?  That's even more awesome.  My one criticism, though?  Even if you give your client a mansion, you are still only going to decorate one room.  You can get creative and divide it with panels and screens and large pieces of furniture.  But the absolute best part?  You can hang light fixtures, ceiling fans, hanging plants, bunting...  It's like decorating a real life house except better because there is no pesky wiring to worry with.  Did you unlock an item that you know would be perfect in a previous client's house?  Don't worry.  You can visit them and add to the decor whenever you want.  Although, sometimes you'll catch them chilling in bed.  That can get awkward.
  
  

  

  Pekoe feeling zen.

•  You can use your Play Coins to unlock "design lessons" which allow you to refurbish furniture and other things...  (To be honest, I haven't unlocked many things yet.)  

Typical me.  Sitting down on the job.

• Isabelle, your loyal assistant from New Leaf, will show up and allow you to start designing projects in the downtown area such as a school, a hospital, and a cafe.  These projects are a bit more demanding because you will be provided with a list of items that must be included to pass muster.  However, working on these projects unlocks lots of other decor items that aren't strictly household items.  Think copy machines and soda fountains.  As the game progresses, the town expands and you may be asked to expand on previously completed projects as well as have the opportunity to start new ones. 

• Last, but most definitely not least, amiiboooooos!  **read in your best Oprah voice**  (I ordered the game with an amiibo reader because I'm still using an older 3DS.)  You can add your favorite AC neighbors to the game using the amiibo cards.  There are even special characters like Resetti and KK Slider.  For the most part, these special characters give you carte blanche when it comes to decorating but special items will pop up in your inventory  that you know is meant for them.  I mean... how are you going to personalize Harriet's house without a vanity or basket of beauty products?

• The game play, overall, is entirely relaxing.  A great game to zone out with at the end of the work day or before bed.  Sure you have clients to please but they're pretty laid back when it comes to their homes.  (They are animals, after all.)   

Lopez can't wait for me to leave so he can chew on the furniture.

Freaky Friday: Hemlock Grove

It's October which means everyone is sipping pumpkin spice lattes and watching dudes named Freddy and Michael terrorize teenagers out at old Camp Creepypasta.
The promise of Halloween sends my imagination into overdrive as I spend my nights reading /nosleep and then making my dog (Please don't call the ASPCA!) go down the hall first so I can use the bathroom without being murdered by someone with a hook for a hand or the demon that lives in the linen closet.
While I love scary movies, I also hate scary movies because, well, they scare me.  The kind of scary that sticks with you.  The kind of scary that causes you to swan dive across your bedroom at night after turning off the light because you know something is going to grab you in those five dark steps from the light switch to your bed.
So what do you do when you have Halloween spirit but you're a giant sissy?  Well, you can watch Hemlock Grove.  Especially if you like a healthy dose of "what the fuck" in your horror entertainment.
I was on the fence for months about Hemlock Grove.
What's it about?
Werewolves.
No... it's about vampires!
No... it's about both.
Both?  Like Twilight both?
It is definitely not like Twilight. 

Do you understand the script at all, bro?

Hemlock Grove is something of a murder mystery involving werewolves and day-walking (but not sparkly) vampires.  The characters are well-developed but there are times when the plot carves out enormous holes that it can't be bothered to fill in again.  Don't let that deter you, though, gentle viewers.  Just embrace your confusion.  Let it flow through you.  Or, you can be like me, and buy the book hoping for answers and end up even more confused.  (But it's a captivating read!)  The overall mood is that of secrecy and gloom.  A perfect complement to a gloomy October night?  I think so!
Both seasons are full of gore and sex.  Highlights include clandestine medical experiments, demonic babies, clairvoyants, a crash course in werewolf-ery, and a drop dead gorgeous 1957 Jaguar.  In the second season, there's even a nod to David Lynch and Twin Peaks.  Are you still reading?  Why aren't you watching Netflix???  
The third and final season debuts 23 October and the few articles I've read promise that this season will scramble to reassemble the craziness unleashed by the second season.  That means you have plenty of time to watch the first two seasons and get caught up.
To the couch with ye!

Freaky Friday: Odd Thomas

Odd Thomas starts out as a seemingly quirky action comedy movie with a supernatural bent.  Odd Thomas (played by the adorable Anton Yelchin) lives in a small town and just so happens to have the ability to see ghosts.  He uses his gift to help solve murders which, in turn, helps put the spirit to rest.  Unfortunately it's not a paying gig so Odd is also a showboating short-order cook at a local cafe.

If you like my psychic abilities, you should try my pancakes.

Odd begins to see some ghostly baddies that are out of the ordinary and, apparently, signal big trouble for the little town of Pico Mundo.  Odd has to save the town and himself while keeping his skills under wraps from friends and coworkers.  Does it lead to hilarious misunderstandings and people assuming that Odd has lost his marbles?  You betcha.
For a movie that deals with dead stuff and ghosts, it's actually quite tame.  So tame, in fact, I debated whether or not this should be a Freaky Friday-worthy movie.  But one girl's tame is another girl's freaky so I went with it.
The ending is predictable in an "ending with a twist" sort of way.  
Throughout the movie I was racking my brain trying to think of where I had heard the name Odd Thomas before.  It wasn't until the credits that I realized Odd Thomas is a series of books by Dean Koontz.  (Dean and I shared a brief but intense literary fling during my first year of junior high but I soon left him for VC Andrews and her love of incestuous siblings.)  I'm tempted to read the books because the movie glosses over the most interesting part of Odd's life which is communicating with the regular everyday dead folk.  I feel that could have been developed more instead of the emphasis on Odd's relationship with his girlfriend Stormy.
Romance in movies bores me.  Yeah, I said it.
Conclusion:
I give it a 3 out of 5 star rating.  It's definitely one of the more original movies I've watched in a while.  And it made me want to pick up where I left off with Dean Koontz.  Any good movie should make you revert back to your junior high self. 

Freaky Friday: The Houses October Built

The Houses October Built is about the least favorite part of one of my favorite holidays: the "haunted" houses that pop up around Halloween.  At the tender age of seven, I was invited to a fall carnival with a schoolmate.  I would have been perfectly happy to stick to the kiddie rides but my friend suggested we walk through the haunted house.  There wasn't anything too terrifying until my friend pushed on a trap door in a wall and disappeared.  I was trapped in a tiny room, unable to go backward.  I pushed the same trap door and it wouldn't budge.  I pushed and kicked every inch of wall I could reach until, eventually, I resorted to a tactic any scared shitless seven-year-old would do:  I cried.  Bawled my eyes out would be more appropriate.  Eventually a carnival worker took pity on me and rescued me.  (The door that lead outside was indeed stuck.)  And for some reason, that friend never invited me anywhere else.
**I still remember her.  Her name was Bonnie.  She could speak Chinese and English and had the cutest bobbed hair.  If you see this Bonnie, I'm sorry and I promised I've stopped crying in public... mostly.**
Oh right... the movie.  The Houses October Built is a mockumentary about a group of people who set out the week before Halloween to find the creepiest seasonal haunted houses, referred to as "haunts", "in the country" (according to Netflix) but, in reality, in Louisiana and south Texas.  The documentary footage is interspersed with interviews from haunt workers talking about people who have died attempting to scare people and why they choose to work at the haunts come Halloween time.

Perhaps the most horrifying part of the movie is being the only chick in an RV full of dudes.

The documentary crew's ultimate goal is finding a sort of "secret society" haunt where the scare actors have carte blanche.  And then they get the bright idea to sort of shakedown the haunt workers to see where the top grade haunts are hidden.  Why they think that's a good idea is beyond me.  Have these people not seen Freaks?  You just don't fuck with carnival worker-type folks and expect to walk away unscathed.  (Except for my haunted house savior.  Please don't come kill me in my sleep, good sir!)
One of the creepiest houses they walked through reminded me of a mashup between Silent Hill and Resident Evil:  Code Veronica X (with the Ashford dude that dressed up like his dead sister).  There were lots of creepy clowns and creepy children.  *shudder*
 I give the movie an "A" for effort in originality.  HOB seemed to lose its documentary feel towards the end which is a bit tragic.  Overall, though, the movie managed to be creepy without being gory.  We were even spared the ubiquitous "topless horror actress" scene.   Perhaps, though, that's the real tragedy.
If you can find it in yourself to look past the lack of nudity, I would definitely recommend giving HOB a watch.  
 

Damn Fine Vidya Games: Kirby's Adventure

**Damn Fine Vidya Games is written by my other half, Mr. Coffee, about his love for retro video games.**
 
Hello nerd boys and girls,

A close friend (who I used to respect) told me he had never played a Kirby game.  In fact he admitted that he only knew Kirby from the ever popular Smash Bros’ series to which I replied "BALLS" and stormed off to play one of my favorite games of all time: Kirby’s Adventure for the NES.
Of course I returned to lend my friend every Kirby game I owned so that he might educate himself.

Kirby made his debut in 1992 on the Game Boy.  My parents denied me one of those fancy portable gaming devices so I didn’t formally meet Kirby until 1993 on the NES.  Being the cute little pink ball of joy that Kirby is, the game may have been originally bought for my sister.  I’m pretty sure I stepped in when she couldn’t get past the first boss and just never gave the controller back. 

In case you don't know Kirby, he is rotund floating pink warrior of Dream Land who inhales his enemies and then uses their powers against them.  In Kirby's Adventure, Kirby awakens to find that King Dedede has stolen the Star Rod and all of the dreams of the people of Dream Land!  Our cotton candy-colored hero takes it upon himself to risk life and limb to retrieve the Star Rod and return all of those purloined dreams. 
   
The game play is a masterpiece of the time.  The visual side-scroller easily has the best graphics of any NES game and the music suits the dreamlike state of the game perfectly.  Kirby can do it all: run, jump, attack, and, of course, consume his enemies and, in turn, their powers.  The first time I made Kirby eat the little fire enemies and then spit fire I almost cried with joy.  Compared to Mario’s limited jumping action, Kirby was light years ahead of other games.
Side note:  This was the first game to have one of the best villains in the Nintendo universe, Meta Knight! He’s the most adorable flame sword wielding badass ever.

Kirby’s Adventure can be found on the Game Boy Advance, the Wii's virtual console, Nintendo DS, the Wii U virtual console, and, if you want to splurge, you can find a copy of the 20th anniversary Kirby’s Dream Collection for the Wii. 

If you have never played a Kirby game, this is the one for you.  Go play it right meow!

Hits: A quick and dirty movie rec

I didn't quite know what I would be getting into when I added Hits to my queue but sometimes I like to wander outside my comfort zone of mindless comedies and B-grade horror.
Hits centers around a man named Dave Stuben who lives in a small economically-depressed town in upstate New York named Liberty.  Dave's hobbies include bringing home trash from his place of employment and voicing his various complaints at the town council meetings.  Dave's daughter is an aspiring, yet horribly untalented, singer who is obsessed with fame, no matter the costs.  After a video of Dave getting arrested at a particularly heated town meeting goes viral on Youtube, all hell breaks loose.

Written and directed by my favorite anus tart, David Cross.

Hits is a combination of small town living meets Internet bandwagon-ing.  There is a yearning in almost every character that is almost palpable.  The yearning for something more.  Then there is the desperation that sinks in as the townsfolk watch their dreams begin to visibly crumble.  The struggle is interwoven with the reality that almost every moment of our lives are now subject to being recorded and posted to the Internet.  Viral videos and "vaguebooking" and sex tapes and jumping on causes because everyone else is doing it are the undoing of Liberty, NY and a great commentary on our society's online behavior as a whole.
Man, I'm deep.

The devil of Hell's Kitchen

For the past couple of months, everywhere I'd go, people would ask me the same question:
"Would you like fries with that and, OMG, have you seen Daredevil?!?!"
"Your total comes to 32.50 and you should really watch Daredevil."
"You haven't seen Daredevil?  I don't think we can be friends anymore."
I was beginning to think Netflix had implemented some sort of word-of-mouth affiliate program or maybe, just maybe, Daredevil was just that good.
I really wanted to watch Daredevil but I was still a little gun shy after Ben Affleck's embarrassing  portrayal of Matt Murdock in 2003.  Damn you, Ben Affleck!  (And don't even get me started about his upcoming Batman role.)
For those who are new to the whole Daredevil franchise, Daredevil is the vigilante alter ego of Matt Murdock.  As a child, Murdock was involved in a toxic waste spill that robbed him of his sight but left his remaining senses in a super heightened state.  Little Matt's dad is killed by gangsters and, as an adult, he vows revenge.  He also becomes a lawyer.  When you're a masked vigilante, it's good to work both sides of the law that way.
Matt's back story is very well developed.  The show's writers also took the time to develop the back story of his nemesis Wilson Fisk, aka Kingpin (although he is never referenced as such in the show).  A gritty, dark New York City (chiefly, the neighborhood of Hell's Kitchen) is the perfect backdrop for each episode's round of underdog versus heavyweight champion.  I'm awarding bonus points for the use of my favorite dramatic device:  the Batman voice.  Almost every character, big and small, uses the husky whisper at some point in the show and it is nothing short of hilarious every. single. time.

I'm Batman.

I hesitate to call Daredevil a super hero (And feel free to disagree with me here.) because I hesitate to call Daredevil a super hero show.  Matt's acts of rogue justice seem more like stepping stones on his path to what is ultimately self-serving revenge rather than serving the "greater good".  In this way, Daredevil gets a lot more Batman-like.  What starts out as a personal vendetta ends up as a full-fledged "saving my city" (read in a husky whisper) crusade.  Luckily for our Daredevil, he only has to deal with one cray-cray at a time in the first season unlike poor Batman's nemeses who always seem to escape Arkham in freaking droves.   (Side note:  If ever I should snap, please put me in Arkham.  My early release is almost guaranteed.)
I'd give Daredevil a seven out of ten.  The episodes' 55 minute run times can actually get a bit tedious.  However, the longer run time allows Daredevil to pack in plenty of (sometimes unnecessary) action (Seriously, who needs to back flip from rooftop to rooftop?) and bad guy ass-kicking but there is also drama and raw emotion and a pinch of romance.  Something for everyone!  Or maybe just you.  I won't tell anyone about your sensitive side.  

The Fangirl's Guide to... something

Back story:  Amazon had been hounding me to buy The Fangirl's Guide to the Galaxy.  I guess that's what happens when your shopping history consists mainly of Harry Potter movies and Pop! Vinyl figures.
I was about to cave when I visited my local library and I spotted the book sitting on a center table display like a beacon shining directly into my nerdy heart.

One of us!  One of us!

After reading it, I realized this same beacon was only masking the song of bad book sirens that were waiting on the rocks to crush my geek girl heart into dust.
Ok... no more seafaring references.
Sam Maggs, if that's your real name, I really wanted to like your book.  I really did.  The title grabbed my attention and the book's petite size made me feel like I was reading the personal journal of a fellow fangirl.  And then I read it...
If I was 12 or 13 and looking for a ready-made identity to morph into, I'd probably think Fangirl's Guide was an awesome book.  The first chapter explains what exactly a fangirl is.  Um... it's in the word.  A girl who is a fan of... something.  Then Maggs goes on to detail various fandoms such as Potterheads and Trekkies. 
Personally, I believe you can be a fangirl for chemistry or General Hospital or craft beers.  Someone can "geek out" about something that isn't a stereotypical "geeky" subject.  Fangirl's Guide just seemed so... basic.  If Tumblr had published a book about its biggest fandoms, it would be Fangirl's Guide to the Galaxy.

Other low points:
The little interviews with geek girls who made it big scattered throughout each chapter were not insightful at all.  They were asked to define what a "fangirl" was and they all basically stated a person who is passionate about something.  Thanks for that brand new information!
At one point, she described "levels" of fandom and how a fangirl might acquire a tattoo to represent her queen bee fan status among her peers.
Her tips for con going were nothing earth-shattering that you couldn't find with a quick Google search.
She gave the impression that geek girls will always run up against some form of discrimination from geek boys at conventions, comic book shops, gaming tournaments, etc. based solely on the fact that they are female.  Throughout my years of being a fangirl, I've only run across one rude person, who happened to be male, and who chose to act from the safety of his keyboard via Facebook.  (A simple unfriending solved that problem.)  Maggs gives the impression that cons and comic book shops are full of meanies just waiting for the chance to quiz some poor unsuspecting geek girl on her knowledge of Starfleet ships.
At the end of the book, she touches on feminism and the roles of women in fiction.  Because the subject of over-sexualization of women in comic books and video games has never been broached before this revolutionary book was published.

In the end, this book was a huge disappointment (that I'm glad I didn't actually pay for).  I was hoping for a book of personal anecdotes about forays into cosplaying or the first time someone got schooled at a Pokemon tournament.  What I got was a "how to" guide and no one can tell you how to be a fan of something.  You don't need a book or a website or a blog to tell you how to love something.  You only need passion.
That'll be $19.95 please.

Tales of a Netflix glutton

Greetings from my humble, yet air conditioned abode.  The weekend was a whirlwind of celebrating birthdays (When you're turning seven,  the whole week is spent in you honor, apparently.) and dads.
So I thought I would share a few mini reviews of the shows I've been binge watching.  (Mostly while lying flat on the floor in my skivvies enjoying the cool breeze of a box fan.)

Final 24:  I am guilty of being a tad morbid and Final 24 is definitely on the darker side of shows I've watched.  The show chronicles the last 24 hours in the lives of celebrities that have died.  Tupac Shakur, River Phoenix, and Hunter S. Thompson are among the people profiled.  The shows flips back and forth between reenactments of the deceased's actions in the final hours and interviews with friends and family.  Sadly, there only seem to be two seasons, 14 episodes in total.
My only complaint is that some things presented as fact were actually found to be false.  Of course, when any celebrity is cut down in their prime, rumors will abound but if I can do a five second Google to get to the truth of something, why can't Final 24's writers?

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt:  In case you've been hiding under a rock somewhere and missed everyone and their mom talking about UKS, take my advice and go watch it.  There are only 13 episodes and each episode is about 22 minutes long so I think you could knock it out on a Saturday afternoon.  It is heartwarming and hilarious and chock full of 90s references.  I was only disappointed when it ended because I never learned to pace myself.

Grace and Frankie:  I didn't expect to like this show as much as I did.  I may be able to watch shows about the last 24 hours of a person's life, but the sudden collapse of a long relationship is just too much trauma for me.  I don't know why I'm always drawn to shows about women in their golden years, but I am.  No shame in my game.  There were lots of funny moments but also lots of heartbreaking ones.  I felt all the feels and may have cried a little. 

I can't wait for the second season.

Daredevil:  Admittedly, I had some misgivings about Netflix's Daredevil, having been subjected to Ben Affleck's performance in the 2003 movie, but I am loving this show.  I am nearing the end of the season (Each episode is almost a full hour long, which makes it harder to binge watch on a school night.)  and it is so good.  The show's Frank Miller-esque darkness and the character development of both Daredevil and his nemesis Kingpin are used in just the right amounts.

Now go forth to your couches, my people.

Don't forget to stretch before your marathon.

Damn Fine Vidya Games: Halo: Combat Evolved

Hello nerd boys and girls,

I'm willing to bet that everyone who has played video games in the last 15 years has heard of the Halo series.  I’m also willing to bet that a significant portion of gamers haven’t played the original Halo game: Combat Evolved.  Halo is the defining game of the Xbox generation of games and deserves a large place in video game history.

First and foremost: I do not play many first person shooter (FPS) games.  I do not play Call of Duty, or Half-Life, or Battlefield.  I’m sure those are probably good games (they are certainly popular), but I don't generally like that style of gaming with the one large exception being Halo.
“But why?”
“Isn’t Halo just another FPS?”
No way!

Halo was, in my opinion, a revolutionary game and it all started with Combat Evolved.  Initially, the multiplayer is what drew me in.  A friend called “Come over and play Halo.  We’ll link up systems”.  I was skeptical and declined but, after weeks of pestering, I gave into my friends and joined them for a Halo LAN party.  Halo: CE was released before Xbox Live existed, so if you wanted more than four players, LAN parties became life.  Nothing quite like the thrill of yelling “go fuck yourself” across a room as you stuck a grenade to someone’s face. 

Halo: Combat Evolved was released for the original Xbox in 2001 as a launch title which meant everyone owned it.  The story revolves around Master Chief (you) and your artificial intelligence guide (Cortana) responding to an attack by the Covenant who are a species of alien bound together by their religion.  During a battle with the Covenant your ship is damaged and you crash land on Halo.  The rest of the game is spent learning what exactly Halo is while trying to survive an onslaught of aliens.  Halo is so well written and so compelling that the player ends up feeling like a large part of the game and story.  In fact, Halo players have felt such a deep connection to Master Chief and Cortana that the series has spawned multiple games, a book series, a comic series, a web series, and a full length movie. 

Since it’s inception Halo: CE has been repackaged twice, once as a high-def anniversary remake for the Xbox 360 and as part of the Master Chief Collection for the Xbox One.  I recommend picking up the anniversary edition (still easy to find) and playing through the game twice.  This edition allows the player to seamlessly change between the HD and original versions.  My suggestion is to first play through the original on "easy" and then play the HD version on whatever difficulty you like.  If you like FPS games, you'll be a natural.  If you’re like me, and FPS games aren't your favorite,  I implore you to try Halo: Combat Evolved on for size.  It’s a great game and should be played at least once by casual and pro gamers alike.

Freaky Friday: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Ah, slasher films.
My first experience with horror films was a slasher film. I'm pretty sure it was Jason Takes Manhattan edited to death on USA.  I remember being only slightly scared and laughing as Jason met another demise in the NYC sewer system.  I told my mother, who never gave a toss to emotional scarring, and she said that was nothing and I had to watch the original.  From there I graduated to Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Sleepaway Camp... 
I didn't sleep much but damn were my friends jealous of my viewing habits.
Where was I?
Oh, right.  Slasher films.  Imagine filming a documentary in a world where slasher greats like Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger actually exist and you get Behind the Mask:  The Rise of Leslie Vernon.  The documentary crew follows up-and-coming psycho killer Leslie Vernon as he prepares for the odious task of killing off a houseful of teenagers.
Leslie works under the "rules" set forth by his killer role models, sort of Scream-esque where sexual freedom is a one way ticket to an axe to the head and you should never tell anyone that you will "be right back". 

BRB!  LOL!  JK!

As the movie progresses, the documentary crew realizes that Leslie actually plans to go through with his plans and they try to talk him out of it which is when the movie hooks a one-eighty from darkly humorous "mockumentary" to "shit just got real" slasher film.
On a one to five star rating system, I'd give Behind the Mask a solid three.  The idea was a refreshing change of pace from the tired new horror that Hollywood has been ramming down our throats since the first Paranormal Activity.  The humor was definitely suffering from a lack of timing.  Parts that should have been funny weren't and parts that seemed to be serious were delivered in an almost slapstick manner.  But maybe I just don't get the nuances of black comedy horror genre.
Have you seen it?
How did it make you feel?
Do you hate horror movies and wish I would talk more freely about my secret love of rom-coms?

It's the time of the season

For a new Harvest Moon game:

Always pre-order the games that come with adorable bunnies

I haven't always been a fan of the Harvest Moon franchise.  Simulated farming?  Who wants to do that?  I attempted to play a version for the PlayStation but the hours in the day went by too quickly and I'd find my little farmer fainting before he could even plant one lousy field.  Years later I decided to give it another shot on my DS with Harvest Moon:  Grand Bazaar.  I sunk hours and hours into the game.  I dreamed about it.  I named my children after its characters.  Then I got to a stopping point and I ended up trading it in.
Then came The Tale of Two Towns which just never quite filled the hole in my heart left by Grand Bazaar.  So I was skeptical  when my local Game Stop advisers tried to talk up Story of Seasons.

GSA:  "But, you love Harvest Moon-type games.  We know you'll like it."

Me:  "I can't just be giving my heart to random games that don't make me feel like I'm the only player for them.   I want a love like I had with Grand Bazaar."

GSA:  "If you pre-order, you get this adorable stuffed rabbit!"

Me:  "Shut up and take my money!"

Story of Seasons (SoS for brevity's sake) has a lot of features customary to most of the Harvest Moon games:
You find yourself the owner of a rundown farm
You buy animals and raise crops
You can hunt around town for herbs, flowers, building materials, etc.
You can build relationships with your fellow townsfolk and, eventually, get hitched
The Nature Sprites make an appearance in this game (What can you do with them?  Um, let me get back to you on that.)

SoS features a Trade Depot where people from neighboring towns come to hawk their wares.  This is where you can buy animals and tools, materials, and seeds that aren't found in your town.  You can also swim in the surrounding rivers to find fish and materials like gem stones and iron.  Blueprints are needed to build animal houses, a refrigerator, fences for your farm, and for upgrading your farm tools.
As you progress in the game, it is possible to rent other fields that have special purposes like mushroom farming and beekeeping.  The only problem is you have to compete with the other farmers in town for the rights to use the fields.  One of the farmers lives in a damn mansion!  Seriously?  I can't compete with that.   Must be nice when all your farming is handled by the hired help.
I spend the majority of my farming day working on my fields and taking care of my animals.  One of my cows had a baby.  So freaking exciting.  I can't wait to be able to raise angora rabbits and llamas and whatever other critters SoS throws my way.
The relationship aspect bores me.  I talk to everyone in town, but I find the intricacies of finding a man to settle down with to be too tedious.  I have to cook his favorite meal so he'll like me?  How fucking cliche!  I just want to harvest my turnips and play with my cows and chickens.
I'm a loner, Dottie.  A rebel.

Freaky Friday: The Dead Files

I never really thought of myself as a "medium" person.  I never watched Medium or the Ghost Whisperer or, um, other shows about psychic mediums.  I did, however, watch Crossing Over with John Edward.  Ok, it was the episode of South Park spoofing Crossing Over with John Edward.  It's basically the same thing, right?

Your dad died?  Your grandpa?  Your fifth grade class hamster?

Netflix suggested the show The Dead Files to me and I thought "What the hell?"
The show is formulaic:  the psychic (Amy Allan) "reads" the location while the burly former detective investigates the history of the location and the two compare notes at the end.  They have no contact before this point (so they say) and they sometimes employ sketch artists to show "who" Amy has been interacting with.  No spoilers here but, if you choose to watch, brace yourself for a lot of widened eyes and hand-to-chest gasping during the reveal.
The Dead Files mixes ghost whispering, good old fashioned detective work, and cheesy "dramatic" effects to create the television equivalent of a Kahlua mudslide.  Goes down smooth and, if you're not careful, you can consume half a dozen in one sitting.

I get the feeling someone has definitely lived in this 100 year old house before.

I consider myself to be pretty open to the idea of ghosts and other paranormal phenomena.  With that being said, I'm not entirely convinced the show is not as fake as a Rotex watch,  but I can usually keep the skeptical part of my brain quiet enough to watch an episode or five.

Life is just a fantasy

Can you live this Fantasy Life?

I had played Animal Crossing:  New Leaf for a solid year when I decided it was time for a change.  Luckily, I have a friend (that isn't just a website) in the know and she started sending me trailers for a game called Fantasy Life.

Her:  It's an RPG...  But I think you'll like it.
Me:  RPG?  Like do I have to battle stuff?
Her:  Yes.  But I still think you'll really like it.

I'm more of a lover than a fighter, but I decided to pre-order anyway because I  like to try new things.  And by "new things" I mean games that require nothing more than me sitting on my couch and pushing buttons.  I'm adventurous like that.
So Fantasy Life starts out with you picking a "life" which is your job.  I picked wizard because I like to get my Harry Potter on and, frankly, jobs like angler sound boring as hell.  Each life gets its own mentor that you have to check in with as your skills progress.  My mentor was... a cat.  Holy cliche, Batman!
The main storyline is the same no matter what life you pick:  The land you inhabit, Reveria,  is beginning to fall apart and you are the only one to save it!  Are you intrigued by the oh-so-original plot yet?  Also totally original elements of gameplay:  battling wild critters to level up, meeting people that you can later invite to your party, and finding special items in treasure chests throughout the game.  Groundbreaking!
Your mentor will give you quests that you complete for "bliss" points which allow you to level up but also move forward with the story line.  Bliss also helps you earn things like pets which you can take with you on your adventures.  (This was probably my favorite part of the game.)
Bliss is also earned by doing favors for the people you run into on your travels through Reveria.   At some point it becomes a necessity to visit the guild and change lives to do these favors for people.  And then, when you think you're off the hook, they turn around and ask you for yet another favor.  Talk about a pain in the ass.
I can say that based on time-sinkability (It's a word!) and its cuteness alone, I would definitely recommend Fantasy Life for beginners and seasoned gamers alike.  I found the game to be pretty challenging as it progressed.  If we're being completely honest here, I'm stuck in the last part of the game and I'm not actually sure if I need to change lives to progress or not.  Being the easily distracted and stubborn gamer I am, I have swapped out Fantasy Life for Story of Seasons (review to come) until I break down and get some walkthrough help.

Damn Fine Vidya Games: Conker's Bad Fur Day

**Damn Fine Vidya Games is written by my other half, Mr. Coffee, about his love for retro video games.**

Hello nerd boys and girls,

This week I’m reviewing Conker’s Bad Fur Day.

Some history:  Conker made his debut in the 2001 N64 game: Conker’s Bad Fur Day.  I first experienced Conker that same year for approximately ten minutes.  I was at a friend’s house when he stuck a copy of his dad’s game into the console.  After a couple of long cut scenes and a little gameplay, his dad came in, saw what we were playing,  and took the game away. The few minutes of play left some indelible images (Berri the bunny doing some suggestive aerobics.  The tiny Grim Reaper.) on my teenaged brain.   Conker was originally developed as a kids game called Conker’s Quest.  Due to criticism of the game's "cutesy" theme, the team at Rare decided to take the game in a more mature sex, drugs, and booze direction.  I got to play the full game a few years later on an emulator and loved every second. 

The game centers itself around Conker, a drunken squirrel who just wants to get home to Berri (his hot bunny girlfriend) after a long night of drinking.  Too bad for Conker that the ruler of the land, King Panther, has decided he wants a red squirrel to replace one of the legs on his table.  Hilarity ensues as Conker evades King Panther’s minions, faces a pile of opera-singing poop, and tries to find his way to Berri.  Conker's journey is a miraculous piece of video gaming history that deserves to be replayed over and over.

This is not an easy game, and I don’t recommend it for beginners.  The control scheme mirrors Mario 64.  If you've practiced with the N64’s control stick in open world games, it should be fairly easy.  I invited a friend over to play and he spent a lot of time getting used to the controls and complained that they were too blocky compared to current consoles.  Rare planned a sequel to Bad Fur Day called Conker’s Other Bad Day, but, due to the commercial failure of the original game, it never happened.  Microsoft did pump out a quick remake called Conker: Live and Reloaded, but it didn’t play well because it failed to recreate the amount of exact detail Rare originally spent creating the original N64 game.

My old friend Conker was recently in the news because Microsoft decided to announce the cocktease that was a Conker reboot.  Unfortunately for those that love our little drunken squirrel friend, the company Microsoft approached with the idea turned it down.  Will Conker ever get to put his squirrel nuts in Berri’s carrot hole?  We may never know.  (Hopefully we’ll still get to see the Perfect Dark and Banjo reboot games we’ve been promised.)  In the meantime go find a way to play Conker’s Bad Fur Day!

Freaky Friday: Darknet

Starting this Friday I'd like to share some of the creepy or macabre stuff I like to watch or read, so I'd like to proudly present:  Freaky Friday.  And maybe your dark side can relate to my dark side. 

Darknet just showed up on my Netflix recs one day.   Not too surprising.  Netflix often recommends horror to me.  (Well, horror and something called Scrotal Recall.  What does Netflix know that I don't?) The description was a little offputting:  A macabre web site called Darknet links the tales in this chilling anthology series whose protagonists face a range of unnameable horrors.

Look, hon.  The interwebs has another one of them there killer websites.

 A macabre website?  *snore*  Unnameable horrors?  *bitch, please*
Then I noticed it was a show (the first/only?? season consists of six 25 minute episodes) and my curiosity was peaked.  Plus I was all out of Supernatural episodes so I thought "What the hell?"
Darknet is actually a Canadian adaptation of a Japanese series called Tori Hada.  If you've ever seen even a tame Japanese horror film (Japanese horror films scare the shiz out of me, on the real!), you'll be able to pick out the influences in the overtones of isolation and barely restrained psychosis happening throughout each episode.  Because it was made for TV, the gore factor is kept at a minimum and most of the violence is implied. 
Each episode is made up of several mini plot lines which intersect at the conclusion.  Some characters make appearances in later episodes, some aren't fortunate enough to make it past their debuts.  I guess that's the price you pay in the world of macabre TV.   
So what is this Darknet?  It's a fictional website for watching snuff films or having all your corpse disposal questions answered by like-minded creepers.  It can also help you with your home invasion problems, your cheating lover, or help you choose an acceptable iPod volume for wandering around town during a psychotic ax murdering spree.  You know...  Basic life shit.
The Darknet website itself plays various roles throughout the series.  Sometimes its role is more dynamic (Creepy anonymous message boards anyone?) and sometimes it seems as if it was tacked on as an afterthought.  Like when you find chocolate syrup in the cabinet and you vaguely remember buying it for ice cream but that was months ago and now you don't have any ice cream so you just stand in the kitchen and eat it with a spoon?
Ok.  Not like that.  Whatever.  Writing analogies is hard.
Well, writing analogies and trying not to binge watch all six episodes in one night.

Sailor Moon Crystal

Lately it seems that Hollywood has been wiling about in the season of the reboot.  Reboot is just a fancy name for remake and a nicer way of saying "we've run out of ideas".  I was, however, pretty stoked to learn that they were rebooting Sailor Moon.
My first exposure to Sailor Moon was the horribly dubbed version that would play on the USA Network after thousands of Moonies petitioned to have the cancelled series re-run.

I was cancelled???

Despite the horrible voice acting (Looking at you Molly's Jersey accent) the show quickly became one of my favorites and ushered me into the world of anime.
So, how do I feel about Sailor Moon Crystal?  Had I never watched Sailor Moon, I'd probably have thought it was the best thing ever but my stuck-in-1997 brain couldn't stop making comparisons between the two.  Although Crystal is a very faithful adaptation of the manga, the overall tone seems to be darker, almost sad.  And Crystal's Usagi is no longer the overdramatic crybaby I've come to know and love.  I do miss Usagi's constant emotional breakdowns and the exasperation of the other Scouts.  There was a dynamic there that Crystal definitely missed.

Is Usagi crying yet?  No.  We're filming Crystal, remember?

The other thing that sticks out in Crystal is the thinly veiled sexual tension between Usagi and Mamoru.  In the original anime, the relationship between Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask is much the same as her relationship with the other Scouts:  one of exasperation.  Tuxedo Mask dutifully saves her, Sailor Swoon gets goosebumps, then goes to bed at night wondering "Who was that masked man?"  During the day, Usagi has to deal with the merciless teasing of the gorgeous, yet douchey, Mamoru. 

The tension between Usagi and Mamoru, whether costumed or not, is almost palpable.  Usagi's crush is pretty obvious, from the beginning, and their interactions during battles are downright steamy.  The romantic undercurrent paired with the dark overtones makes for a pretty grownup version of Sailor Moon.
The good parts?
The animation is beautiful.  Yes, even those CGI transformations.
And I like the little details they put in to update the show and drag it out of the early 90s.
I just wasn't emotionally prepared for Sailor Noir.

Where to watch Sailor Moon Crystal:
Hulu
Crunchyroll (My personal preference.)
Watch Sailor Moon.com