Freaky Friday: Hemlock Grove

It's October which means everyone is sipping pumpkin spice lattes and watching dudes named Freddy and Michael terrorize teenagers out at old Camp Creepypasta.
The promise of Halloween sends my imagination into overdrive as I spend my nights reading /nosleep and then making my dog (Please don't call the ASPCA!) go down the hall first so I can use the bathroom without being murdered by someone with a hook for a hand or the demon that lives in the linen closet.
While I love scary movies, I also hate scary movies because, well, they scare me.  The kind of scary that sticks with you.  The kind of scary that causes you to swan dive across your bedroom at night after turning off the light because you know something is going to grab you in those five dark steps from the light switch to your bed.
So what do you do when you have Halloween spirit but you're a giant sissy?  Well, you can watch Hemlock Grove.  Especially if you like a healthy dose of "what the fuck" in your horror entertainment.
I was on the fence for months about Hemlock Grove.
What's it about?
Werewolves.
No... it's about vampires!
No... it's about both.
Both?  Like Twilight both?
It is definitely not like Twilight. 

Do you understand the script at all, bro?

Hemlock Grove is something of a murder mystery involving werewolves and day-walking (but not sparkly) vampires.  The characters are well-developed but there are times when the plot carves out enormous holes that it can't be bothered to fill in again.  Don't let that deter you, though, gentle viewers.  Just embrace your confusion.  Let it flow through you.  Or, you can be like me, and buy the book hoping for answers and end up even more confused.  (But it's a captivating read!)  The overall mood is that of secrecy and gloom.  A perfect complement to a gloomy October night?  I think so!
Both seasons are full of gore and sex.  Highlights include clandestine medical experiments, demonic babies, clairvoyants, a crash course in werewolf-ery, and a drop dead gorgeous 1957 Jaguar.  In the second season, there's even a nod to David Lynch and Twin Peaks.  Are you still reading?  Why aren't you watching Netflix???  
The third and final season debuts 23 October and the few articles I've read promise that this season will scramble to reassemble the craziness unleashed by the second season.  That means you have plenty of time to watch the first two seasons and get caught up.
To the couch with ye!

Freaky Friday: The Houses October Built

The Houses October Built is about the least favorite part of one of my favorite holidays: the "haunted" houses that pop up around Halloween.  At the tender age of seven, I was invited to a fall carnival with a schoolmate.  I would have been perfectly happy to stick to the kiddie rides but my friend suggested we walk through the haunted house.  There wasn't anything too terrifying until my friend pushed on a trap door in a wall and disappeared.  I was trapped in a tiny room, unable to go backward.  I pushed the same trap door and it wouldn't budge.  I pushed and kicked every inch of wall I could reach until, eventually, I resorted to a tactic any scared shitless seven-year-old would do:  I cried.  Bawled my eyes out would be more appropriate.  Eventually a carnival worker took pity on me and rescued me.  (The door that lead outside was indeed stuck.)  And for some reason, that friend never invited me anywhere else.
**I still remember her.  Her name was Bonnie.  She could speak Chinese and English and had the cutest bobbed hair.  If you see this Bonnie, I'm sorry and I promised I've stopped crying in public... mostly.**
Oh right... the movie.  The Houses October Built is a mockumentary about a group of people who set out the week before Halloween to find the creepiest seasonal haunted houses, referred to as "haunts", "in the country" (according to Netflix) but, in reality, in Louisiana and south Texas.  The documentary footage is interspersed with interviews from haunt workers talking about people who have died attempting to scare people and why they choose to work at the haunts come Halloween time.

Perhaps the most horrifying part of the movie is being the only chick in an RV full of dudes.

The documentary crew's ultimate goal is finding a sort of "secret society" haunt where the scare actors have carte blanche.  And then they get the bright idea to sort of shakedown the haunt workers to see where the top grade haunts are hidden.  Why they think that's a good idea is beyond me.  Have these people not seen Freaks?  You just don't fuck with carnival worker-type folks and expect to walk away unscathed.  (Except for my haunted house savior.  Please don't come kill me in my sleep, good sir!)
One of the creepiest houses they walked through reminded me of a mashup between Silent Hill and Resident Evil:  Code Veronica X (with the Ashford dude that dressed up like his dead sister).  There were lots of creepy clowns and creepy children.  *shudder*
 I give the movie an "A" for effort in originality.  HOB seemed to lose its documentary feel towards the end which is a bit tragic.  Overall, though, the movie managed to be creepy without being gory.  We were even spared the ubiquitous "topless horror actress" scene.   Perhaps, though, that's the real tragedy.
If you can find it in yourself to look past the lack of nudity, I would definitely recommend giving HOB a watch.  
 

Freaky Friday: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Ah, slasher films.
My first experience with horror films was a slasher film. I'm pretty sure it was Jason Takes Manhattan edited to death on USA.  I remember being only slightly scared and laughing as Jason met another demise in the NYC sewer system.  I told my mother, who never gave a toss to emotional scarring, and she said that was nothing and I had to watch the original.  From there I graduated to Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Sleepaway Camp... 
I didn't sleep much but damn were my friends jealous of my viewing habits.
Where was I?
Oh, right.  Slasher films.  Imagine filming a documentary in a world where slasher greats like Michael Myers and Freddy Krueger actually exist and you get Behind the Mask:  The Rise of Leslie Vernon.  The documentary crew follows up-and-coming psycho killer Leslie Vernon as he prepares for the odious task of killing off a houseful of teenagers.
Leslie works under the "rules" set forth by his killer role models, sort of Scream-esque where sexual freedom is a one way ticket to an axe to the head and you should never tell anyone that you will "be right back". 

BRB!  LOL!  JK!

As the movie progresses, the documentary crew realizes that Leslie actually plans to go through with his plans and they try to talk him out of it which is when the movie hooks a one-eighty from darkly humorous "mockumentary" to "shit just got real" slasher film.
On a one to five star rating system, I'd give Behind the Mask a solid three.  The idea was a refreshing change of pace from the tired new horror that Hollywood has been ramming down our throats since the first Paranormal Activity.  The humor was definitely suffering from a lack of timing.  Parts that should have been funny weren't and parts that seemed to be serious were delivered in an almost slapstick manner.  But maybe I just don't get the nuances of black comedy horror genre.
Have you seen it?
How did it make you feel?
Do you hate horror movies and wish I would talk more freely about my secret love of rom-coms?

Freaky Friday: The Loved Ones

Tale as old as time...
The setting?  Rural Australia.
Girl asks boy to prom.  Boy rejects girl.  Girl has dad kidnap boy so she can torture him.

She's not using that drill to assemble Ikea furniture, I can assure you.

In the various sub-genres of horror, torture films are my least favorite.  Why?  Because that shit can actually happen.  My chances of being revenge murdered by a resurrected camper are slim to none compared to being the victim of a real live psycho killer.  Qu'est-ce que c'est?   Also torture is usually long and drawn out and I watch way too many Forensic File type shows to know that the use of kitchen utensils and power tools by actual serial killers is not as farfetched as the movies would have you believe.
Jason Voorhees might chase your ass until you get a wicked charley horse, but at least he'll kill you quick.  Mentally unstable lovesick teenage girls?  Oh hell no!  You have to pay in blood for breaking those hearts.
No wonder Mr. Bowie stopped believing in modern love.

A good, solid horror film has to give me a nice unsettling feeling throughout and The Loved Ones definitely did that.  Bonus points for a plot twist that made sense of the seemingly disjointed opening scene and the subplot from the point of view of the victim's friends and family, and the stylish use of paper crowns.  I'd deduct points for animal cruelty (which, luckily, doesn't happen on-screen), the incest-y vibes between ol' crazy eyes and her dad, and the somewhat predictable ending. 

Freaky Friday: Darknet

Starting this Friday I'd like to share some of the creepy or macabre stuff I like to watch or read, so I'd like to proudly present:  Freaky Friday.  And maybe your dark side can relate to my dark side. 

Darknet just showed up on my Netflix recs one day.   Not too surprising.  Netflix often recommends horror to me.  (Well, horror and something called Scrotal Recall.  What does Netflix know that I don't?) The description was a little offputting:  A macabre web site called Darknet links the tales in this chilling anthology series whose protagonists face a range of unnameable horrors.

Look, hon.  The interwebs has another one of them there killer websites.

 A macabre website?  *snore*  Unnameable horrors?  *bitch, please*
Then I noticed it was a show (the first/only?? season consists of six 25 minute episodes) and my curiosity was peaked.  Plus I was all out of Supernatural episodes so I thought "What the hell?"
Darknet is actually a Canadian adaptation of a Japanese series called Tori Hada.  If you've ever seen even a tame Japanese horror film (Japanese horror films scare the shiz out of me, on the real!), you'll be able to pick out the influences in the overtones of isolation and barely restrained psychosis happening throughout each episode.  Because it was made for TV, the gore factor is kept at a minimum and most of the violence is implied. 
Each episode is made up of several mini plot lines which intersect at the conclusion.  Some characters make appearances in later episodes, some aren't fortunate enough to make it past their debuts.  I guess that's the price you pay in the world of macabre TV.   
So what is this Darknet?  It's a fictional website for watching snuff films or having all your corpse disposal questions answered by like-minded creepers.  It can also help you with your home invasion problems, your cheating lover, or help you choose an acceptable iPod volume for wandering around town during a psychotic ax murdering spree.  You know...  Basic life shit.
The Darknet website itself plays various roles throughout the series.  Sometimes its role is more dynamic (Creepy anonymous message boards anyone?) and sometimes it seems as if it was tacked on as an afterthought.  Like when you find chocolate syrup in the cabinet and you vaguely remember buying it for ice cream but that was months ago and now you don't have any ice cream so you just stand in the kitchen and eat it with a spoon?
Ok.  Not like that.  Whatever.  Writing analogies is hard.
Well, writing analogies and trying not to binge watch all six episodes in one night.