It's beginning to look a lot like Twin Peaks

Want to make your holidays damn fine this year?
Start off by sending these rad cards to your friends and family.  Or keep them for yourself.  I won't judge.

Get yours here

 My log has something to tell you:  It looks delicious.

Get the recipe here

Oh Diane, almost forgot.  Got to find out what kind of trees these are.
Get in the holiday "spirit" with this Douglas Fir-inspired cocktail.

Recipe here

If BOB isn't leering at you from the branches of your Christmas tree, it might be time to re-think your decor choices.

See the whole scene here

Start planning for the new year with this adorable calendar.

Buy yours here

Adorable isn't really your style? How about a full year of the ladies of Twin Peaks?

Buy yours here

The mysticism of Twin Peaks

My favorite TV show meets my favorite divination method.

I've been a tarot enthusiast ever since I found a battered deck that belonged to my dad in my grandma's attic.  (What 70s-era teenager didn't mess around with a little occult lite?)

Artist Benjamin Mackey has been busy creating a Twin Peaks themed tarot deck.  View the entire deck here.
The Major Arcana is complete and Mackey is hard at work on the Minor Arcana cards. 
Naturally, the suit of cups is represented by none other than a damn fine cup of coffee.

Here's to hoping it becomes an actual deck or, at the very least, some kick ass prints. 

Freaky Friday: Hemlock Grove

It's October which means everyone is sipping pumpkin spice lattes and watching dudes named Freddy and Michael terrorize teenagers out at old Camp Creepypasta.
The promise of Halloween sends my imagination into overdrive as I spend my nights reading /nosleep and then making my dog (Please don't call the ASPCA!) go down the hall first so I can use the bathroom without being murdered by someone with a hook for a hand or the demon that lives in the linen closet.
While I love scary movies, I also hate scary movies because, well, they scare me.  The kind of scary that sticks with you.  The kind of scary that causes you to swan dive across your bedroom at night after turning off the light because you know something is going to grab you in those five dark steps from the light switch to your bed.
So what do you do when you have Halloween spirit but you're a giant sissy?  Well, you can watch Hemlock Grove.  Especially if you like a healthy dose of "what the fuck" in your horror entertainment.
I was on the fence for months about Hemlock Grove.
What's it about?
Werewolves.
No... it's about vampires!
No... it's about both.
Both?  Like Twilight both?
It is definitely not like Twilight. 

Do you understand the script at all, bro?

Hemlock Grove is something of a murder mystery involving werewolves and day-walking (but not sparkly) vampires.  The characters are well-developed but there are times when the plot carves out enormous holes that it can't be bothered to fill in again.  Don't let that deter you, though, gentle viewers.  Just embrace your confusion.  Let it flow through you.  Or, you can be like me, and buy the book hoping for answers and end up even more confused.  (But it's a captivating read!)  The overall mood is that of secrecy and gloom.  A perfect complement to a gloomy October night?  I think so!
Both seasons are full of gore and sex.  Highlights include clandestine medical experiments, demonic babies, clairvoyants, a crash course in werewolf-ery, and a drop dead gorgeous 1957 Jaguar.  In the second season, there's even a nod to David Lynch and Twin Peaks.  Are you still reading?  Why aren't you watching Netflix???  
The third and final season debuts 23 October and the few articles I've read promise that this season will scramble to reassemble the craziness unleashed by the second season.  That means you have plenty of time to watch the first two seasons and get caught up.
To the couch with ye!

What I did on my blogging vacation

Don't let the title mislead you.  I didn't actually go on vacation.  I just took a mostly involuntary vacation from blogging.
So what have I been up to?  How about a bullet list?

• Personal life stuff:  I said goodbye to my bestest furry friend of 11 years in July.  Unfortunately, he was suffering from some degenerative mental issues which were making him aggressive towards our other dog and people.  Also, I've been ill with a mystery disease that the doctors here aren't that eager to find the cause of/treatment for.  *sigh*  I see a specialist in December because he's booked until then.  Small town life.  Gotta love it!  Anyway, I've been tired, achy, and just generally feeling like I'm coming down with the flu.  I have had the downtime to read and watch TV, though, so it's not all bad.
• Reading:  I've been reading lots of books on Buddhism lately.  My two favorites so far:  Transform Your Life:  A Blissful Journey by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso and Buddhism:  Plain and Simple by Steve Hagen. I also read a couple Ann Rule books and I'm working through a book of Anne Sexton poetry.
• Playing:  I've been farming it up on Story of Seasons but then Happy Home Designer (an Animal Crossing spinoff game) came out and I've been spending my gaming time designing houses for adorable critters.  (Expect a full report at a later date.)

• Watching:  Season 6 of The League, season 4 of Once Upon a Time, season 1 of The Following, and season 1 of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.  I've also been re-watching all the Star Wars movies which has incited a household feud of which movie was better:  Return of the Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back.  Obviously Return of the Jedi was better because Ewoks.  Duh!

I hope to get back to blogging, even if it means I only crank out one post a week.  But I'm going to shoot for two because dream big, right?

The devil of Hell's Kitchen

For the past couple of months, everywhere I'd go, people would ask me the same question:
"Would you like fries with that and, OMG, have you seen Daredevil?!?!"
"Your total comes to 32.50 and you should really watch Daredevil."
"You haven't seen Daredevil?  I don't think we can be friends anymore."
I was beginning to think Netflix had implemented some sort of word-of-mouth affiliate program or maybe, just maybe, Daredevil was just that good.
I really wanted to watch Daredevil but I was still a little gun shy after Ben Affleck's embarrassing  portrayal of Matt Murdock in 2003.  Damn you, Ben Affleck!  (And don't even get me started about his upcoming Batman role.)
For those who are new to the whole Daredevil franchise, Daredevil is the vigilante alter ego of Matt Murdock.  As a child, Murdock was involved in a toxic waste spill that robbed him of his sight but left his remaining senses in a super heightened state.  Little Matt's dad is killed by gangsters and, as an adult, he vows revenge.  He also becomes a lawyer.  When you're a masked vigilante, it's good to work both sides of the law that way.
Matt's back story is very well developed.  The show's writers also took the time to develop the back story of his nemesis Wilson Fisk, aka Kingpin (although he is never referenced as such in the show).  A gritty, dark New York City (chiefly, the neighborhood of Hell's Kitchen) is the perfect backdrop for each episode's round of underdog versus heavyweight champion.  I'm awarding bonus points for the use of my favorite dramatic device:  the Batman voice.  Almost every character, big and small, uses the husky whisper at some point in the show and it is nothing short of hilarious every. single. time.

I'm Batman.

I hesitate to call Daredevil a super hero (And feel free to disagree with me here.) because I hesitate to call Daredevil a super hero show.  Matt's acts of rogue justice seem more like stepping stones on his path to what is ultimately self-serving revenge rather than serving the "greater good".  In this way, Daredevil gets a lot more Batman-like.  What starts out as a personal vendetta ends up as a full-fledged "saving my city" (read in a husky whisper) crusade.  Luckily for our Daredevil, he only has to deal with one cray-cray at a time in the first season unlike poor Batman's nemeses who always seem to escape Arkham in freaking droves.   (Side note:  If ever I should snap, please put me in Arkham.  My early release is almost guaranteed.)
I'd give Daredevil a seven out of ten.  The episodes' 55 minute run times can actually get a bit tedious.  However, the longer run time allows Daredevil to pack in plenty of (sometimes unnecessary) action (Seriously, who needs to back flip from rooftop to rooftop?) and bad guy ass-kicking but there is also drama and raw emotion and a pinch of romance.  Something for everyone!  Or maybe just you.  I won't tell anyone about your sensitive side.  

The best mashup in the history of mashups

I love The Golden Girls.  I got the entire series for my birthday this year and it was everything I'd ever dreamed it could be.  But, to be honest, I set the bar pretty low when it comes to my hopes and dreams.

When I'm not binge watching TV shows, I am summoning the dead.  No big deal.

Of course, Twin Peaks is another favorite so I was stoked to see this post from Welcome to Twin Peaks show up on my Facebook feed.  The intro mashup is, of course, hilarious but the David Lynch-directed Golden Girls  may have caused my TP/GG lovin' heart to have a minor infarction.
By the time you read this, my house will have been invaded by four extra people but I will have a Freaky Friday post up for you written by the oh-so-charming Mr. Coffee.

Tales of a Netflix glutton

Greetings from my humble, yet air conditioned abode.  The weekend was a whirlwind of celebrating birthdays (When you're turning seven,  the whole week is spent in you honor, apparently.) and dads.
So I thought I would share a few mini reviews of the shows I've been binge watching.  (Mostly while lying flat on the floor in my skivvies enjoying the cool breeze of a box fan.)

Final 24:  I am guilty of being a tad morbid and Final 24 is definitely on the darker side of shows I've watched.  The show chronicles the last 24 hours in the lives of celebrities that have died.  Tupac Shakur, River Phoenix, and Hunter S. Thompson are among the people profiled.  The shows flips back and forth between reenactments of the deceased's actions in the final hours and interviews with friends and family.  Sadly, there only seem to be two seasons, 14 episodes in total.
My only complaint is that some things presented as fact were actually found to be false.  Of course, when any celebrity is cut down in their prime, rumors will abound but if I can do a five second Google to get to the truth of something, why can't Final 24's writers?

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt:  In case you've been hiding under a rock somewhere and missed everyone and their mom talking about UKS, take my advice and go watch it.  There are only 13 episodes and each episode is about 22 minutes long so I think you could knock it out on a Saturday afternoon.  It is heartwarming and hilarious and chock full of 90s references.  I was only disappointed when it ended because I never learned to pace myself.

Grace and Frankie:  I didn't expect to like this show as much as I did.  I may be able to watch shows about the last 24 hours of a person's life, but the sudden collapse of a long relationship is just too much trauma for me.  I don't know why I'm always drawn to shows about women in their golden years, but I am.  No shame in my game.  There were lots of funny moments but also lots of heartbreaking ones.  I felt all the feels and may have cried a little. 

I can't wait for the second season.

Daredevil:  Admittedly, I had some misgivings about Netflix's Daredevil, having been subjected to Ben Affleck's performance in the 2003 movie, but I am loving this show.  I am nearing the end of the season (Each episode is almost a full hour long, which makes it harder to binge watch on a school night.)  and it is so good.  The show's Frank Miller-esque darkness and the character development of both Daredevil and his nemesis Kingpin are used in just the right amounts.

Now go forth to your couches, my people.

Don't forget to stretch before your marathon.

Bad blogging

Loyal reader(s):

Please excuse P from blogging this week. The creative part of her brain has melted thanks to a faulty air conditioner that still has yet to be repaired.

Seriously, though. Luckily our air conditioner was under warranty which means instead of the 1 million dollars it costs to fix it, we will only pay half that amount.  Lots of people live with only one kidney nowadays, right?
I'm also going out of town and I had scheduled some posts but somehow I ended up deleting the edited drafts and I don't have the time or patience to re-edit them.  Yes, I'm a bad/lazy blogger but I swear I will make it up to you! 
I have posts written (that need polishing) and posts in my brain queue waiting to be written. 
Hopefully you'll have a great week without my witty insight but, just in case you need a little to get by, go watch Daredevil on Netflix. 

My log has something to tell you

I get that blind box toys are supposed to be bought unopened to achieve the maximum surprise factor, I had to make an exception for the Twin Peaks Bearbrick figures.

They only made two:  Laura Palmer and Special Agent Dale Cooper.  They each come with a little "Welcome to Twin Peaks" population card and they belong to the 21st series of Bearbrick toys in the "horror" genre.

Obviously, Coop seems tame in his suit and striped tie.

The owls are not what they seem.  Unless this one seems like a ceramic figurine to you.

And then we have Laura...

The award for most morbid toy goes to...

I can't decide whether or not I want to take her out of the plastic.  She seems more accurate this way.

My only regret is that there is no beach here to take these pictures.

And what better soundtrack for playing with your Twin Peaks toys than Julee Cruise on vinyl? This is a promotional copy featuring music from Twin Peaks and Blue Velvet.

Just try to remember you aren't actually in Blue Velvet and go wandering naked through your front yard.

Freaky Friday: The Dead Files

I never really thought of myself as a "medium" person.  I never watched Medium or the Ghost Whisperer or, um, other shows about psychic mediums.  I did, however, watch Crossing Over with John Edward.  Ok, it was the episode of South Park spoofing Crossing Over with John Edward.  It's basically the same thing, right?

Your dad died?  Your grandpa?  Your fifth grade class hamster?

Netflix suggested the show The Dead Files to me and I thought "What the hell?"
The show is formulaic:  the psychic (Amy Allan) "reads" the location while the burly former detective investigates the history of the location and the two compare notes at the end.  They have no contact before this point (so they say) and they sometimes employ sketch artists to show "who" Amy has been interacting with.  No spoilers here but, if you choose to watch, brace yourself for a lot of widened eyes and hand-to-chest gasping during the reveal.
The Dead Files mixes ghost whispering, good old fashioned detective work, and cheesy "dramatic" effects to create the television equivalent of a Kahlua mudslide.  Goes down smooth and, if you're not careful, you can consume half a dozen in one sitting.

I get the feeling someone has definitely lived in this 100 year old house before.

I consider myself to be pretty open to the idea of ghosts and other paranormal phenomena.  With that being said, I'm not entirely convinced the show is not as fake as a Rotex watch,  but I can usually keep the skeptical part of my brain quiet enough to watch an episode or five.

The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer

According to my good friend Wikipedia, lots of booksellers refused to stock The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer  due to its graphic content.  I've read dirtier things, but Laura's frank use of drugs and the detached way she describes her sexual encounters is definitely unsettling.  It's easier to stomach if you can forget the fact that this is NOT the diary of a teenaged girl.

Well, I was in my 20s when Twin Peaks was filmed.

Diary begins on the day of Laura's twelfth birthday.  Spoiler:  The diary is a birthday gift.  Laura describes her life as idyllic, only vaguely hinting at the malevolence that lies beneath the surface of her picture-perfect life. At first it's hard to feel pity for her.  I mean, damn, she gets a pony for her birthday.  A freaking pony!  Want to know what I got when I turned 12?  I can't remember because it wasn't a damn pony.
**If you've never seen Twin Peaks from beginning to end, stop reading NOW!**
It doesn't take long to get to the juicy bits of the diary when we are made privy to little Laura's *ahem* solo bedtime activities.  Laura also begins to admit that she has been visited by the mysterious killer BOB for several years and she is never sure whether he is real or simply a horrifying recurring nightmare.
Diary drags you through the muck and mire of Laura's double life.  Straight-A homecoming queen by day, cocaine-fueled sex toy by night.  The diary becomes harder to comprehend as cocaine and BOB's madness begin to saturate its pages.  Laura's frantic desperation is almost palpable as the book winds down to its ultimate conclusion... Laura's death.
If you're anything like me and need to read or watch anything Twin Peaks-related you can get your hands on, you should definitely find yourself a copy of The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer.  The book is a sort of sequel to Twin Peaks and the later events coincide with those from the movie Fire Walk With Me. (It even notes where pages are missing, keeping in line with FWWM.) 

Here is a list of other Twin Peaks reading material to satisfy your curiosity.

Freaky Friday: Darknet

Starting this Friday I'd like to share some of the creepy or macabre stuff I like to watch or read, so I'd like to proudly present:  Freaky Friday.  And maybe your dark side can relate to my dark side. 

Darknet just showed up on my Netflix recs one day.   Not too surprising.  Netflix often recommends horror to me.  (Well, horror and something called Scrotal Recall.  What does Netflix know that I don't?) The description was a little offputting:  A macabre web site called Darknet links the tales in this chilling anthology series whose protagonists face a range of unnameable horrors.

Look, hon.  The interwebs has another one of them there killer websites.

 A macabre website?  *snore*  Unnameable horrors?  *bitch, please*
Then I noticed it was a show (the first/only?? season consists of six 25 minute episodes) and my curiosity was peaked.  Plus I was all out of Supernatural episodes so I thought "What the hell?"
Darknet is actually a Canadian adaptation of a Japanese series called Tori Hada.  If you've ever seen even a tame Japanese horror film (Japanese horror films scare the shiz out of me, on the real!), you'll be able to pick out the influences in the overtones of isolation and barely restrained psychosis happening throughout each episode.  Because it was made for TV, the gore factor is kept at a minimum and most of the violence is implied. 
Each episode is made up of several mini plot lines which intersect at the conclusion.  Some characters make appearances in later episodes, some aren't fortunate enough to make it past their debuts.  I guess that's the price you pay in the world of macabre TV.   
So what is this Darknet?  It's a fictional website for watching snuff films or having all your corpse disposal questions answered by like-minded creepers.  It can also help you with your home invasion problems, your cheating lover, or help you choose an acceptable iPod volume for wandering around town during a psychotic ax murdering spree.  You know...  Basic life shit.
The Darknet website itself plays various roles throughout the series.  Sometimes its role is more dynamic (Creepy anonymous message boards anyone?) and sometimes it seems as if it was tacked on as an afterthought.  Like when you find chocolate syrup in the cabinet and you vaguely remember buying it for ice cream but that was months ago and now you don't have any ice cream so you just stand in the kitchen and eat it with a spoon?
Ok.  Not like that.  Whatever.  Writing analogies is hard.
Well, writing analogies and trying not to binge watch all six episodes in one night.

Sailor Moon Crystal

Lately it seems that Hollywood has been wiling about in the season of the reboot.  Reboot is just a fancy name for remake and a nicer way of saying "we've run out of ideas".  I was, however, pretty stoked to learn that they were rebooting Sailor Moon.
My first exposure to Sailor Moon was the horribly dubbed version that would play on the USA Network after thousands of Moonies petitioned to have the cancelled series re-run.

I was cancelled???

Despite the horrible voice acting (Looking at you Molly's Jersey accent) the show quickly became one of my favorites and ushered me into the world of anime.
So, how do I feel about Sailor Moon Crystal?  Had I never watched Sailor Moon, I'd probably have thought it was the best thing ever but my stuck-in-1997 brain couldn't stop making comparisons between the two.  Although Crystal is a very faithful adaptation of the manga, the overall tone seems to be darker, almost sad.  And Crystal's Usagi is no longer the overdramatic crybaby I've come to know and love.  I do miss Usagi's constant emotional breakdowns and the exasperation of the other Scouts.  There was a dynamic there that Crystal definitely missed.

Is Usagi crying yet?  No.  We're filming Crystal, remember?

The other thing that sticks out in Crystal is the thinly veiled sexual tension between Usagi and Mamoru.  In the original anime, the relationship between Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask is much the same as her relationship with the other Scouts:  one of exasperation.  Tuxedo Mask dutifully saves her, Sailor Swoon gets goosebumps, then goes to bed at night wondering "Who was that masked man?"  During the day, Usagi has to deal with the merciless teasing of the gorgeous, yet douchey, Mamoru. 

The tension between Usagi and Mamoru, whether costumed or not, is almost palpable.  Usagi's crush is pretty obvious, from the beginning, and their interactions during battles are downright steamy.  The romantic undercurrent paired with the dark overtones makes for a pretty grownup version of Sailor Moon.
The good parts?
The animation is beautiful.  Yes, even those CGI transformations.
And I like the little details they put in to update the show and drag it out of the early 90s.
I just wasn't emotionally prepared for Sailor Noir.

Where to watch Sailor Moon Crystal:
Hulu
Crunchyroll (My personal preference.)
Watch Sailor Moon.com

Entering the Town of Twin Peaks

I've never seen so many trees in my life.
If you've never seen Twin Peaks, you probably think the name of this blog is completely ridiculous because it has nothing to do with coffee.  (Besides the fact that my body runs on it which, in turn, runs this blog.  But I digress.)

Because you can't say "fucking delicious" on TV.

I won't give you the entire plot rundown because other sites out there have done it better than I ever could.  Considering I was only 10 when it first aired, I only got to watch in snippets with one ear turned to the door so I could quickly change the channel if my parents happened to walk in.  The world of Twin Peaks all seemed so strange and exciting and... confusing as hell.  It is not a show to be watched in bits and pieces or to think you can catch up in the newest episode if you've skipped one or two.  It also is definitely not a show to be watched at the ripe old age of 10.
In fact, it wasn't until my late 20s that I decided that I had to watch it again.  I forced my husband to watch it without the slightest hope that he would actually enjoy it, but every night when I'd ask what we should watch, the answer was "Twin Peaks".  Twin Peaks, as is the case with most of David Lynch's work, combines the right amount of beauty, quirkiness,  and what-the-fuckery to keep you riveted.
Lately Showtime has Twin Peaks fans all hyped up about its big twenty-five year anniversary comeback.  Twin Peaks 2016 is supposed to tie up the loose ends  that had left viewers perplexed and dissatisfied after the show's untimely demise in 1991.  Unfortunately, due to failed financial negotiations (Shocking, righ?), David Lynch vacated his director's seat.  Rumors abound that co-director Mark Frost will step up to direct and that actors have threatened to pull out if David Lynch isn't going to direct and that the show might not even happen at all.
In the meantime, if you've never seen Twin Peaks, do yourself a favor and watch it.
For those longtime fans, here are some links to hopefully tide you over until Twin Peaks 2016 is a reality:
Retro gaming fans will appreciate this 8-bit map of Twin Peaks

This article about the eerie connections between Twin Peaks and Alice in Wonderland

These gorgeous Twin Peaks' character portraits